Finding My Pace

You know that feeling right after you get off of running on a treadmill? You're walking but feel like you are still running, still trying to go fast? It takes a few minutes to adjust and feel like you have found your pace again.

That is where I am right now.

I feel like I just got off of my life tredmill where I have been running and pushing and working as hard as I can to keep up with the fast pasted belt under me. Sometimes it felt like I was just one wrong step from flying off the back and sometimes I would have no problem keeping up. But never the less most of the time I was just doing my best to stay on.

(Which by the way is pretty much exactly how I feel when I run on a treadmill....not that that has happened for a long while. Ugh  fitness, or rather the lack of, that will be a separate post entirely.)

I think a combination of life events starting from childhood through adulthood have made me really good at a lot of things. Things like putting out fires (not literally of course..I once caught myself on fire and refused to stop drop and roll. Aaanyway.), multitasking, wanting to serve others, keeping a cool mind, forgiveness, seeing the big picture,being independent, pulling through when it didn't seem possible, Faith, and having a strong testimony in the Atonement (to name a few). I am so grateful for these abilities. I really, really am.

I was always going from one thing to another fulfilling commitments and responsibilities and being content with the work. You gatta' do what you gatta do. Right?

I am a hard worker and proud of it!

I never really thought anything of it (as most women never do) and just plain did my best.

However, on the flip side of that I also think that it has made me bad at a lot of things. Things like not being in the moment, forgoing fun for completing tasks, loosing passion for things because I didn't have time, cleaning (I have a theory about this one), creativity, only relying on my self to accomplish something, always having "every thing under control", and not asking for help (even when needed). I could go on.

"I got it, I can do it."

So now here I stand. My responsibilities (thanks to a kind and loving Heavenly Father and a hard working, persistent husband) have dwindled down to Mother, Wife, and Daughter of God. Still huge responsibilities that keep me on my toes and busy but finally they are clear and not being multi-tasked.

What was the first thing I did? Started looking for more responsibilities!

No joke! I was looking for certifications I can get. Part time jobs. Classes to take. It's like I have no idea how to just slow down. Luckily, I have some pretty wise friends and family that can tell me things like "Stop it! You just need to relax. Everything is going to be okay."

So as I start to find my pace and actually have time to look around and be in the moment I am starting to find myself again. Starting to find my loves and dislikes. Starting to relax. Starting to find my style. Starting to be creative again.

I'm going to try to learn and grow as much as I can during this calm moment. For as I've learned, change comes quickly. I think this will be a slow, emotional, and maybe even confusing decompression but very much needed.

If for my husband and children's sakes only. They deserve the best I can give them.

And that best is me...at my own pace.

To those of you who are smak-dab in the middle of a marathon on your own life treadmill, hang in there. Rely on your Heavenly Father for strength and endurance because he will make you strong enough to bare your burdens and adapt. I have found inspiration through reading this talk  and this talk several times. Life has ebbs and flows and your time will come to find your own pace again soon enough.



ps. I'm not huge on writing about such personal things. It is so hard! But I'm pretty sure only about 5 people read this blog :-) and I hope you will be patient with me as I work through this. Your love and support means so much to me.
pps. Turns out that picture taking is helping me be more in the moment, creative, and slow down, so I apologize for the picture overload that will most likely be coming. :-) I know, I know, another mom trying to be a photographer ;-)