I See You

When Dane wants something, whether it is for me to look at his "cool new trick" or a "snack" (the former being the most common), he will repeat him self until I respond or complete the task he is waiting for.

"Mama, I want a snack"

"Mama, I want a snack"

"Mama, I want a snack"

(said urgently all within 30 seconds...approximately 30 minutes after eating his previous "snack")

To which I respond:

Okay, Dane, I hear you. I will get you a snack, sweetie.

This usually will satisfy him long enough for me to get some nuts or fruit or turkey out for him.

"Okay, Dane. I hear you."

I say this probably 50 times a day. And it is true, I do hear him. We talk all day long. I express how I'm doing and he does his best to express how he is doing. All the while I am busy cooking, cleaning, working on the finances, etc. and he is playing and exploring. I am all business and he is all play (even though I believe his play is all business for him).

The thing is sometimes most of the time I find that although I hear him, I am not seeing him. Does that make sense?

It is usually the case that when Dane is hard at play and he sees me coming he will say something along the lines of "No, Mama! Go bye-bye, Mama!" On the contrast, when he sees Aaron coming he will get excited and say something inviting Aaron to either join in with the play or wanting to show him what he has created.

I have been thinking about this recently and wondering why the difference. Now, granted, Dane has always been a daddy's boy but I think there is more to it. Dane knows that Aaron will stop what he is doing and just play. Just see him and enjoy the moment. On the other hand Dane also knows that when I come to see him it is usually because It is time for a diaper change or nap or to clean up or to get ready to go. I am efficient. I like to get things done. No time for play (see previous post Finding My Pace).

That isn't how I want to continue parenting (or heck, even living in general). I don't want to be the mom that, even though things get done, the house is clean, and they don't stand  in need of things, they dread seeing me coming. The party pooper.

So, how do I start to see my boys? Where to start?

I decided that each day I will come up with a project for us to do. One that doesn't involve getting something completed or doing something just right. Something that is primarily led by Dane (or both boys) where I can just be present and see my boy.

See how when he is really focused he moves his tong all around.

See how his little baby hands play with the cars. Because even though he seems so big to me, he still has baby hands.

See how frustrated he gets when something gets stuck. Or, how thrilled he is when he tries something new that he loves.  

And this also goes for other areas of my life and relationships. I want to see my husband. I want to see my surroundings. I want to see my friends. I want to see my family. I want to see my God.

Not in the let's set up a date and get something done kind of way. More like " I love you and you deserve me to see you and appreciate you."

This will be a hard shift for me. It doesn't really come naturally anymore (I think that it might have at one point in my life). I have always had so much going on or so many responsibilities that I have been driven to multitasking everything. Even my babies. It will probably take a while for me to do it with out lots of conscience effort. But, with practice, I think I can do it. 

It's only been a couple weeks so far of practicing this but I'm already seeing a difference in my relationship with Dane.

Just yesterday Dane was playing in the living room while I was doing the dishes and he shouted "Hey, Mama! Come play with me! Let's make a project!"

And my favorite, he is snuggling me more! My little independent boy is showing me a lot more affection. 

So if we are hanging out and you see me start to get into all business mode, please feel free to pull me back down to play mode. And if you have any ideas that have helped you, please share (I've shared some thing that have helped me below)!

Progress.  I'm a work in progress.

 

Here are some things that have been helping me with my journey in mother hood.

Reading or listening to this every morning seems to give me the calmness and a little extra patience that I need to get through the day. It is hard for me to sit and read sometimes so I just let the narrator read it to me.When I pray I ask for guidance in parenting my little boys and when I read/listen to the scriptures I receive answers to those prayers. 

This article gives me great perspective. I just love this essay on parenting.
"What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations and the older parents at cocktail parties—what they taught me was that they couldn’t really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can only be managed with a stern voice and a time-out. One boy is toilet trained at three, his brother at two. When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome."

This website has lots of good ideas and focuses on the idea that "Our children are born competent whole people. Let trust and belief in your babies guide your parenting". You can also follow her on Facebook.